The truth?

She had no appointments. Everything was cancelled. She wanted to be with him, be with Bill, as long as it would take. Still there was no change in his constitution. No sign of consciousness. She thought of time they spend together. Time that was so massively filled out with confidence, luck and love. She could feel it. Remembered everything.

„Hey, Joan, I’m going to fetch bread roll from the market. Any specific requirements?“

„No, just, yes, bring some Bill with you, well tanned and trained. I’d like to have it with some sweet honey and at little butter. You think that’s possible?“

„Whoa, that’s a lot. I guess the butter might be possible. But with the rest, let’s see“

Bill left for the market. She couldn’t make it up, but she never felt uncomfortable with Bill leaving her. She had that trust, that trust in their relationship, in the heavens meaning well with them. Feeling so right, there must be some plan behind that. A good plan indeed, she admitted. Smiled, and waited for here sugar bread roll to reappear.

Bill eventually came back with everything ordered. They had their second breakfast in their little spot in croatia. It felt like home, like nothing else matters, like this was the only thing that was right and correct. Her heart was solid like never before, just because she knew him loving her, and she feeling the same for him.

The time back then in croatia was somehow the best time they had. They had lot of good adventures. But, looking back, this trip was so unconscious, so innocent, so purely, blindly loving. No thought about a future, no thought about anything but their love.

She picked up a stone, no special one. But, it was their stone, the sign of their love.

He discovered a bird in the sky, no special one. But it was their bird, carrying their dreams, showing the love that would fly high in the sky. Protecting those to small beeings, that felt of course the specicality of love they where in, but by no means felt the fragility. That made it special, that unique. And though she had other relationships, this was different. Many people guess that there might be only one that fits, many people remember a special first relationship. But only few experience a connection that deep, that intensive and close than they did.

Unfortunately, they became snotty, carefree and dissatisfied with what they had. Completely forgot what a relationship was about. Completely forgot that even the closest link needed taking care. Needed affection, stroking and time.

It was a bitter sentence. It was the lifetime sentence to not recognize the other one, to not see who he was. What he or she was. Imagine, two people, crafted, made for each other, sentenced to not perceive that any more. However, perceive it later on, when it is to late. When the dies are cast. When stakes are set. When dead ends are chosen.

Never think about what could have been she thouht. Never even spend a second on dreaming. Just avoid the pain. Just avoid drifting away. Just try to cope with today, not thinking about tomorrow, least of all thinking about yesterdays. It might break your neck.

Schon da?

Wenn es dann einmal so weit ist. Wenn es kein Zurück mehr gibt, keine Abwägen, keine Bedauern. Kein Schuldgefühle, keine Reue, nichts. Dann, dann ist es soweit. In diesem Moment löst sich alles auf, jeder Schmerz, jede Angst und jedes Bedauern verschwindet. Es bleibt das einfache, reine Sein. Die völlige Entkopplung von der Realität, die völlige Abkapselung. Damit geht es voran, damit wird neuer Raum geschaffen.

Ich kenne nichts

Eduard träumte. Er lag zu Hause in seinem Bett. Der Fernseher liegt, aktuelle Nachrichten zeigten das Ausmaß der Zerstörung. Viele hundert Menschen mussten ihr Leben lassen, einige zentrale Gebäude der Innenstadt waren in Schutt und Asche, teilweise fast schon unheimlich verschwunden. Es war die Rede von einem Terroranschlag, nur fehlte jegliches Bekennerschreiben.

Eduard träumte, träumte von einer kleinen Hütte. Im Wald, aus Holz. Es gab einen kleinen Ofen, der brannte und wärmte das innere der Hütte. Es war sehr behaglich und Eduard war nicht allein. Er konnte nicht sagen wer bei ihm war, er konnte es nicht sehen. Doch fühlte er sich zu Hause, wohl, wie nie. Beide saßen in einem kleinen Sessel, bequem, warm und zufrieden. Sie beobachteten das kleine offene Feuer, das Spiel der Flammen und schwiegen. Sie konnten das gut, kannten sie sich doch schon so lange. Keiner wusste wie lange, keiner konnte sagen wann es begann. Es fühlte sich an wie die Ewigkeit, es musste vom Anbeginn der Zeit sein. Eduard stimmte ein Lied ein, jemand anderes sang mit, exakt diesselbe Melodie. Das innere der Hütte begann zu leuchten. Beide schlossen ihre Augen und sangen immer weiter. Die Hütte stand tief im Wald, keiner konnte die Melodie hören, und doch veränderte sich die Welt um die Hütte. Das Leben erwachte von neuem, es war zu spüren. Die Bäume wurden wieder grün, die Sonne trat aus dem Nebel hervor und am Boden fingen unzählige Pflanzen an zu wachsen und zu wachsen. Bald war dieses Lied überall zu hören, und je weiter es hörbar war umso mehr blühte die Welt auf.

Eduard schreckte auf, er konnte sich an nichts erinnern. Er beobachtete den Fernseher. Viele Tote, Gebäude zerstört. Mist, er war wieder zu spät. Es war seine Aufgabe, seine Bestimmung. Er hatte versagt. Mühsam schleppte er sich in sein Bad und versuchte sich für den Tag vorzubereiten. Erst da merkte er, dass er nichts, aber auch gar nichts an hatte. Wo waren seine Kleider geblieben? Er schüttelte den Kopf, war aber noch nicht klar genug um zu begreifen. Um zu verstehen, was passiert war.

Seine Kleidung war nicht vorbereitet, nichts stimmte an diesem Tag. Er wurde wütend, wurde ungehalten. Wie konnte das immer wieder passieren? Schnell räumte er alles liegengebliebene auf und sortierte seine Kleidung, Schutzausrüstung, er wusste doch wie wichtig das war. Schnell schlüpfte er in seine Uniform, immer noch nichts ahnend. Erst als er die Haustür öffnen wollte bemerkte er, das etwas nicht in Ordnung war. Es war Dunkel draussen, obwohl es bereits kurz vor mittag war. Wie konnte das sein? Er wurde misstrauisch. Hatte er bisher noch nicht aus einem Fenster geschaut, prüfte er nun jeden möglich Blick nach draussen. Alles war dunkel, ungewöhnlich dunkel. Er spürte nun auch einen Druck, einen Druck auf seinen Kopf, einen Druck den er nicht erklären konnte. Die Dunkelheit vereinnahmte alles draussen. Dort wo sonst andere Häußer, die Straße oder Gärten zu sehen waren, herrschte die Dunkelheit vor. Der Druck stieg immer weiter. Er konnte sich nicht erklären was dies zu bedeuten hatte. Neben dem Druck spürte er auch die Kälte, eine vertraute aber nicht freundliche Kälte. Er konnte immer noch nicht verstehen, was das alles bedeuten sollte. Mit einem Mal stieg der Druck ins Unendliche, er fürchtete sein Kopf würde brechen. Nun stieg wieder eine Wut in ihm auf, und er merkte wie er wieder langsam sein Bewusstsein verlor.

Eine kleines Haus in einem Vorort. Die Dunkelheit wurde stets größer, viele Schatten umgaben das Haus. Es leuchtete Hell, das Haus. So dunkel die Schatten auch waren, das Haus leuchtet immer hell. Es war, als würden die Schatten versuchen, das Licht auszulöschen. Es wurden immer mehr Schatten, die Dunkelheit vereinnahmte immer weitere Teile der Umgebung. Und dann, erst leise und dann immer lauter, konnte man ein Lied hören. Eine sehr vertraute Melodie, ein sehr angenehmer Klang. Mit einem Mal verschwanden die Schatten, alle. Die Sonne war wieder sichtbar, der Tag wunderschön.

Eduard war immer noch bewusstlos.

Wenn es Dunkel wird…

Stehe ich da, frage mich, denke. Warum alles nur so kommen konnte. Ich wusste doch alles. Wusste, wie es kommen würde. Wusste alles vorher. Wusste, dass die Brücke bricht, wenn ich auch nur einen Fuß darauf setzen würde. Was hielt mich davon ab? Nichts. Im Gegenteil, ich wollte es wissen, testen fühlen. Schmerz zeigt mir, dass ich lebe? Beileibe. Schmerz zeigt mir, dass ich fühle? Nur, warum muss ich das beweisen? Warum nur immer wieder der Wettstreit mit dem eigenen Ich, dem „ich habe es doch gewusst?“. Warum nur?

Alles konnte ich kommen sehen, alles war klar, kein Nebel. Es kam auch immer wie es kommen musste. Wie ist das zu verstehen?

Schließe deine Augen, lass die Dunkelheit ihren Raum einnehmen. Ist jemand da, bist du nicht allein, wirst du es spüren. Es ist keine Barriere da, es ist nur ein kleines Band. Ein kleines Band, eine kleine Verbindung. So stark, so intensiv, du spürst es. Nimmst es in dir auf, bildest das eine Ende des Bandes. Ziehst daran, um dem anderen Ende näher zu kommen, spürst wie es größer wird. Die Erwartung, die Sehnsucht, das Gefühl jemandem wichtig zu sein. Das Gefühl, auf der Welt einen Anker zu haben, eine Verbindung in die Realität. Nur was, wenn dieser Anker fehlt? Wenn ich immer stärker am Band ziehe und nichts kommt? Wenn auf ein Mal der Widerstand nachlässt und ich nur noch ein Band in den Händen halte? Nichts, nichts ist da?

Alles was bleibt Schmerz? Allgegenwärtig, Schmerz. Warum muss alles weh tun? Was ist nur kaputt?

 

So schwer?

Ich kann dich schon weit aus der Ferne erkennen. Deine Schritte, dein Gang, deine Haltung – alles das bist du. Ich kann dein Lachen hören, deine Augen sehen, deine Haut riechen. Meine Sehnsucht spür ich, und deine Arme um mich, spüre dein Herz ganz nah an mir. Spüre deine Wärme, spüre wie sie in mir aufgeht, mich glücklich macht. All‘ das ist mir so nah, du bist mir so nah. Und dann kommst du näher, schaust mich an, bohrst deinen Blick in meinen, dringst in mein Leben ein, reißt alle Mauern ein, pflügst jedes Feld um. Der Himmel wird dunkel, der Wind wird stärker. Immer stärker, der Sturm zieht auf. Unaufhaltsam, unnachgiebig. Mein Herz, ich seh’s noch klar, wie’s steht und zittert. Aber nicht lang, dann ist auf dem leeren Feld auch kein Herz mehr. Wo es ist? Der Sturm zerreist es, langsam, unaufhörlich, aber nie ganz, es hört nie auf. Du läufst an mir vorbei, der Sturm, der bleibt. Du, du bist weg.

No difference

The meal in front of her looked awkward. Some pasta, tomatos and olives. Canneloni Joanna. With thyme and marjoram. Well, obviously not carefully arranged but available near the kitchen. She ate, or more precise, she put fork after fork with pasta on it into her mouth. No one would have called that eating. It had a hint of doing what just simply is necessary to survive, or just because it made sense. Surely not because it was fun or satisfied her. Eventually, the plate was empty and she felt that bit of satisfaction that she hoped for. She put the plate in the dishwasher just next to all the other plates that told all the same story. Lonesome dinner, no guests, no candles, no fun and especially no Bill.

Days passed, dishwashers got filled, emptied, cleaned. It felt to her, if every day was a revision of its predecessor. Nothing happend, nothing changed. The mirror in her bathroom told her the truth – a full year had passed showing clear signs of the days that passed in her valley of sorrow.

She closed the dishwasher and prepared herself to leave for work. The car was ready, happy as always to provide a lift. Some days, she wondered if this state of her would ever change and if not, what she might do about that. She started the engine when unexpectedly her mobile phone rang. It was Susan. What migth that be?

Joan, are you well?

„Course I am. What’s wrong?“

„It’s Bill. He’s in hospital. Accident, pileup on the highway. They report him stable, he’s on first Newark intensive care unit.“

She could here Susan talking, for a long time. Calling Joan, everything ok. But it was distant. So distant. It was getting dark around her while a dull feeling made itself claiming room in her head. She lost all her power and collapsed along the center console and the co-drivers seat. Eyes still open, she lay there for nearly an hour. While she was recovering, she fumbled something on here messenger to inform Susan about not coming to work today. She was on autopilot and shifted the rear gear. Slowly leaving for street, carefully and slowly progressing on first gear on the street. Her mind was switched of, pictures of the landscape around her passed by. She only had one single thought, nothing else occupied her mind. She accelerated on the highway, maximum speed. Newark, 500 miles. The mobile ringed again and again, but she could not answer. She even couldn’t check who it was.

When she arrived in Newark, her fuel tank was nearly empty. She left the street for the first gas station and filled it up. Minutes later she was reading what was written in large, dark letters: „Newark First Hospital“. Here legs trembled. She could not tell what was waiting inside. There had not been a single bit of communication between them for nearly a year now. She could not tell whether she would recognize him. She even could not tell whether he would be happy to see here – in fact she feared the opposite.

The front desk told her a room number and asked for her relation to him. She just told being engaged with him. Seconds later, she stood in front of the door – the door that separated her from the man that both – was responsible for the best and the worst time of her life. She opened the door and entered the room.

Bill lay on the bed with so many cables and sleeves connected to him, she barely could recognize him. His breast moved mechanically up and down – steady and slowly. His eyes were shut. She moved slowly towards him, now so close she could grab his hand. Two nurses observed the displays of the medical equipment.

It was warm, but felt strangely relaxed. She could remember his strong hands very well and feeling no power within them felt distressing. She took a seat besides the bed still holding his hand. In the first few moments, it somehow felt good to be with him, the old power raised in her chest. But soon, every single part of her body completely lost its power and she collapsed once more on the floor.

She could not tell how long she was gone. She now was inside a different room, also observed by a nurse.

„Mrs. Ian, you passed out, but everything is ok. I guess it was a small shock. We need to keep you another hour, then you are allowed to leave your bed. Please just tell us if you need something. Your fiancé had a bad accident, but we are confident.“

She could feel some kind of sedative in here veins, which surely made her feel comfortable. She was a nice girl and waited an hour before she got up to get back to Bill. This time she was at least solid enough to not pass out again.

Bill still made no movement and still was under artificial respiration. It made her deeply sad to see him this way. But she took the decision to not let him go again – at least not now.

Nearly proximity

Work was finished. Leaving for home, she did not do anything conscious. Instead, everything just happenend, for whatever reason. Opening doors, saying good evening to colleagues, closing doors. Closing doors. Now that was even more unconscious. Walkling, breathing. What else. Smilling, wailing?

She opened the doors of her saloon. It was cold, summer long gone. Starting the engine, the heating did not yet cope with the temperatur. Rear gear, slowly moving. First forward, also slowly. No sound, no voice.

At home, she wondered how she made it there. Again, opening and closing doors. Heading for the sofa, mind still switched off. Trying not to think or even feel. Trying not to be.

Swichting on the TV, hoping for something to keep her switched off. No success. Panic. Channel number moving higher in frightening speed.

Finally, she got hit. Deep impact. No shield, no armor. Center hit, no protection. Vast damage, still counting casualities.

She felt terrible, was trembling. She didn’t count days anymore. Must have been several weeks now. No progress. Day by day she tried to somehow get by, but did not succeed a bit at all.

She felt that close, close to him like never before. Always she could smell him, feel his breath and his heartbeat. Always she had a feeling about the thoughts of him, of what he might do and where he might be. Admittedly, she knew everything about him which made it simple to at least know what he was about nearly every minute of a day. But she actually felt it. That was what made it worse, made it hurt like nothing else. Sometimes she feared thinking of him just because he might recognize. She knew that this was ridiculous. Well, she felt it. And that was the problem. In here mind, she was as close as it could be. Closing here eyes, it was like he was standing next to here, folding his arms around here. Opening here eyes he was not there. Not even in here proximity. So far away, sadly not only for the mere distance. He was gone, finished things up. Walked away, just in a moment were she could not grab him to restrain him.

 

I.G.

Alles war weiß. Nur diese beiden Buchstaben waren dunkel und bedrohlich zu sehen. Es war kein Raum, völlig unbeschreiblich. Eine Kugel, nur weiß, mit einer ganz glatten Oberfläche. Er konnte sich nicht vorstellen, aus welchem Material das wohl sein könnte. Die Buchstaben fühlten sich gleich an, er konnte keinen Unterschied fühlen. Was sollte das? Was war das?

Mühsam und schmerzlich erinnerte er sich. Die Geschütze, die Kugeln, die Falle. Kurz hielt er inne – aber er konnte keine Geräusche hören. Stattdessen hörte er wieder diese Melodie. Er schloß die Augen und war überwältigt von dem Gefühl das er plötzlich spürte. Es war unbeschreiblich stark. Es raubte ihm den Atem, er konnte kaum noch stehen und setzte sich, ja legte sich sogar auf seinen Rücken. Die Melodie wurde etwas lauter. Seine Augen füllten sich mit Tränen, er konnte nicht anders. Sein Arme versuchte irgendetwas zu greifen, versuchte in seiner Kugel etwas zu fassen, etwas festzuhalten. Aber da war nichts. Die Melodie wurde leiser, immer leiser. Warum ging es nicht weiter? Er wurde wieder wütend. Sehr wütend. Die Melodie musste wieder kommen. Er summte sie nun selbst, so laut er konnte. Es war sehr laut und die weiße Kugel löste sich langsam auf. Sein Wut wurde immer größer und größer. Er versuchte die Melodie immer lauter und lauter zu summen, zu singen. Irgendwann verschwand die Kugel vollständig, aber auch alles andere um ihn. Das Gebäude verschwand, er konnte den Himmel wieder sehen. Er schrieh mittlerweile so laut, er konnte nichts anderes mehr hören. Tränen brachen aus seinen Augen, er musste immer lauter und lauter die Melodie singen. Das Gebäude war vollständig verschwunden, alle weiteren Gebäude ebenso. Um ihn herum breitete sich das Nichts aus. Er konnte sich nicht mehr halten und brüllte so laut er konnte. Er wollte unbedingt wieder die Melodie hören, aber es klappte nicht. Er wurde immer noch wütender. Plötzlich traten schwarze Gestalten in sein Sichtfeld. Viele, sehr viele. Sie hielten seltsame Lichter in den Händen, schwebten direkt auf ihn zu. Sie sahen bedrohlich aus, machtem ihm Angst. Er konnte die Kälte spüren die sie mit sich brachten. Die Dunkelheit, das Nichts, das Ende. Seine Wut war nun grenzenlos. Er verlor beinahe sein Bewusstsein, spürte den Druck und die Kälte der Gestalten immer stärker. Er steckte seine ganze Kraft in seinen Gesang. Es musste die ganze Welt hören, dachte er. Die Gestalten war nun so dicht bei ihm, dass sie festhalten konnten. Immer mehr Hände ergriffen ihn, an den Armen, den Beinen. Am Kopf, am Hals. Ihr Griff wurde stärker und war sehr kalt. Als seine Stimme leiser wurde, stieg seine Wut in die Unendlichkeit. Er summte nun eine ganz andere Melodie, mit roten Augen voll mit Tränen – und wurde wieder bewusstlos.

Nothing

Finally, her desk was clean again. Like always. Outside it was dark. Only light was as small lamp behind her television. It threw shadows in all directions. She lit a big red candle in the middle of her cabinet. It was surrounded by small stones she once collected with Bill, resting on a small light red plate. She touched the stones but did not feel anything. That was strange, since it usually made her smile and feel  warmth around her chest.

They just returned from their first journey. It was so wonderful, she just couldn’t tell. They have been to a vacation home in small distance to the sea. A narrow trail lead to a small peace of beach. It was at most the size of a bus station, but offered enough space for two persons not needing too much space. They occupied this small idyll every day. First, with fully packed bags of things like books, sun cream, food and anything else people think they might need. Soon, they just took themselves and left for their space. Watching the sea, the sky and even the wind bending reet made them forget the time. If asked before, both would have denied the question, if it might be possible to spend so much time together. But they did, and with every minute and hour, they both felt more and more happy and content. It just felt correct, it didn’t matter what the rest of the world might do or what might happen somewhere else. The just were, no matter of time or place. Well, sometimes of course, they felt hungry or thirsty. But, even that, felt distant and insignificant.

They spend day after day, and eventually, they had to leave. It surely was not ok to leave, but they had no option. Work called. The walked one last time to the sea and stood with turned up trouser knee-deep in the water, watching the sun getting close to the surface of the distant sea. It was surprising how fast the meanwhile orange ball faced this surface. Soon, only the half of it was visible anymore. The grip in their hands tightened, and they could not but fold themselves into their arms. Both closed their eyes, tightly holding each other. She layed her head against his chest. He layed his head on her shoulder. Time passed. Tears appeared. More time passed. The sun was gone long time ago. Both could smell the others skin, smelling like always, smelling so deeply familiar. It was like always, no one could make the first move. He buried his face deeper in the side of her neck, trying to be even closer. She could here, feel the beat of his heart. It was her pacemaker. Everything around them slowly disappeared in the dark. Still, no one moved. Eventually they sat down and covered themselves with a thick blanket.

„Bill, we need to go, tomorrow we have to go to work.“

„I know.“

They watched the stars become brighter and more. Soon, the whole sky was peppered with stars, small, bright, red, blue and other fashions. They built figures and soon had small ensemble of things that nearly moved and lived.

„Do you know what time it is?“

„Does it matter?“

It was getting cold, but not inside the blanked, rather it hot warm and comfortable. Still closely embraced, they eventually felt asleep.

„Hey, late riser, get up, sun’s already up.“

„Hey, hectic maker, stay calm and hold on.“

Now that meant trouble. They had about seven hours of car drive before being at home. Both hurried to the car, started the engine and left their place. Left the place, both loved so much. Left and did not know how deep they where in love with each other. Left for something that was completely different, without any thought of what might happen to them back home. Surely, the felt like having endless time and freedom, like being two eagles flying in the midday lift without any effort, just gliding togehter. That feeling of course made both strong, stronger than ever before. But, unfortunately, it turned them vulnerable, vulnerable like never before. Worse, they could not foresee that. Even worse, the love and luck they felt would give them an insight to what was possible – to what this deep love was able to move. How could this ever withstand the future?

Eventually leaving

It was dark. She rubbed her eyes, Bill still behind her folding his arms around her. Well, that felt safe, home and warm. She closed here eyes again.

Still it was dark, still Bill was there. She tried to look on here clock, it said half past 3 am. Again, she closed here eyes. Another three hours later her alarm clock ringed. Time to get up. She gently kissed Bill on his cheek. He grunted and tried to turn over. Again, she kissed him, but this time on his lips. He did not open his eyes but replied with a kiss. Eventually he opened his eyes, straightly looking in her eyes. The stopped kissing and looked in each others eyes for a long time. Bill was the first to close eyes again, folded his arms again around here, softly tightening his grip and burying his head on her breast. She stroke his hair and closed her eyes too.

„Stay like this, don’t ever move again. Being near to you is the only thing that makes me happy. Happy, content and safe. Never, please never stop holding me.“

„I will do. As long as you hold me?“

„Why should I ever leave you? You know, my heart only is complete when with yours, Joan. I am only complete when with you.“

„Just a thought. You, I mean, you really want to stay with me forever?“

„Joan, you an me, me and you, that’s one thing. That’s us. Of course I will be with you forever. Be it with you, even without you.“

„What do you mean with without you?“

„Even if we both should ever loose each other, I will be with you. I know for whatever reason that there is and will forever be a connection between us. If we do not manage to be together now and here, we will somewhere else.“

„Bill, I want to be with you now and here!“

Me too, nothing else. Please, promise me to be with me. Keep your faith in me. Whatever will happen.“

„I will be with you forever, Bill, I love you like I never loved before.“

It was true, other man have been there, but no one touched here like Bill did. At first, his talks about a connection, two halves of one thing, sounded a bit pushed. But it did not take long to convince her.

Time passed and both where still on the sofa. The darkness of the night slowly cleared away. The alarm clock still complained, reminding her of her duties. But it did not succeed in convincing her. Instead, she pulled the blanket a bit to cover both of them properly. She turned over and pressed her closer to him. He replied with his arms holding her sound and safe. If Bill was with her, it was the right thing, no doubt. As soon as he approached her, there was no more restlessness, the restlessness that otherwise was an ungloved follower of hers. Only in his arms she felt right, only when she could touch him she felt safe. Nothing in her life mattered anymore, everything was possible. It was overwhelming, that feeling.

They stayed on the sofa for another couple of hours, started to talk this and that. Eventually she got up and made breakfast. He left for the bathing room. Of course he had neither clothes, toothbrush nor anything else with him. But a shower made a good start. Joan just prepared anything needed for the best start of any day. She also took a shower.

After the breakfast they just went out in the mild air and walked somewhere – it didn’t matter where to.

„Bill, what you said tonight. Will you, I mean, stay with me, forever?“

„I will, nothing ever will stop me loving you.“

Deep inside in his heart he felt that he was right. But he also felt despite he fully believed in their connection that a day would come that would break him. He somehow knew that their luck together would find an end. One of them both would get blinded, would get cursed to forget their connection. Would get dazzled to not be able to recognize the other. Would get dragged away. He knew about that, and that was the reason why he told her, that he was loving her even when the both would not be together anymore. In hours when he was not with her, that thought made him break out in tears. It teared his heart in pieces to know, that someday they had own lives not connected to each other. To start and end each day without the other one. The worst was knowing about this. He also know that they both would not get lucky without them. These thought marked his dark hours, hours he could hardly withstand. Hours that made him break down and cry out loud. It felt like seeing an arrow hitting her right in the heart.